Author: serenawills@yahoo.com

Good Grief…How to Cope With a Loss During the Holidays.

As we prepare for a season full of fellowship, praise, love, community service and gift giving some of us aren’t in a festive mood. Millions of people are the most depressed around major holidays. Behind the smiles, laughter and success, people are grieving.

This time of year hits me very hard as I lost my mother to Ovarian Cancer in 2010 and most recently, my grandmother, November 2020. I’ve heard everything from, get over it, they wouldn’t want to see you this way and stop crying. I’ve thankfully heard comforting things such as, do you want to talk about it, what do you need, I’m here if you need a listening ear, or offering prayer. Some people can’t sympathize or even empathize.

People have asked is there such a thing as good grief? The answer is yes. It takes time and sometimes the need for additional assistance (therapy, support groups, counseling, talking to friends) to learn about ways to grieve so you won’t get too depressed to the point of no return is needed. I learned in counseling sessions that there are 5 stages of grieving: denial/isolation, anger, bargaining (all the what ifs), depression and acceptance.

Below are some ways I learned to cope with grief.

• If you are able to do or make something that they enjoyed. It could be as simple as preparing their favorite meal or as elaborate (if you can afford it) to going on a trip to their favorite destination (let’s do this after the pandemic please).
• Create a joy photo book. A therapist shared this idea with me. Take a picture each day of something he or she would have loved to see if they were here physically. At the end (whether that is Christmas Day, New Years, during Kwanza or Hanukkah) print the pictures out, place them into an album and share with loved ones. You can make it an electronic album too and share with a lot of people via email and tell them why you created it.
• Share stories (good times) you had with family and friends. I’ve been telling people how Mom would take me to shows growing up on Broadway during the holiday season. Stay away from talking about anything bad. This is a time to lift your spirits.
• I joined a support group after losing my sister Ayana and my mom (and I’m looking into joining one to help me with the loss of my grandmother who passed away November 2020). A support group gives the opportunity for people to meet and talk with others who are grieving and learn ways to handle the changes that come after the loss of a loved one. Various organizations, hospitals and churches offer support groups and most times they are free.
• Get individual counseling. You might not be comfortable in a group and need one on one time.
• Write a letter to your loved one and revisit the letter from time to time. Write to them and tell them about your life and what good is happening. Or you can write to them and tell them how much you miss them. I wrote a letter to my sister Ayana when she passed away. It was very therapeutic.
• Cleaning for a lot of people helps them get through some tough times. It keeps you busy and maybe even redecorate a room, hang a nice sized picture of your loved one. It’s also a nice way for a fresh start.
• I always believe in the power of prayer. Prayer is powerful no matter what your religion is. Pray to them and talk to them through prayer.
• Meditate whether it is in silence, to music, sounds of the water, etc. I go to the riverside and meditate or find a quiet corner in my apartment and have my own moment. The river is also one of the places where I had frequent conversations with my mom when she was living over the phone.
• Try to not be alone. It’s easy for our thoughts to go to dark places at times. If you can’t physically be with someone then pick up the phone and call a loved one or see about having virtual visits.

Some Things to Avoid While Grieving:

• Emotionally eating unfortunately haunts a lot of us. We turn to food for comfort. If you’re going to snack and are a grazer (snack throughout the day) make sure it’s healthy.
• Stay away from vices such as drinking. A casual glass of wine is nice, but don’t drink your misery away.
• Be in the right company. Not every friend or family member will understand how you feel and sometimes don’t know how to be comforting.
• This is a time when you’re vulnerable so be cautious as to love interests who weren’t already in the picture during this difficult time. Avoid getting your feelings hurt.
• Making serious financial commitments should be avoided (any major life decisions). Like buying a car, a house, expensive gadgets, a new wardrobe you don’t need. If it’s not a need then try to avoid it until sometime passes and you can think a little more clearly.
• It’s hard to not be depressed, if anything that is natural. But if you feel your depression is spinning out of control please call for help. There is always someone or a place who can assist you. If you’re having suicidal thoughts please call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

These are just some ways that I have learned in my journey that I hope can help you and your loved ones this season. Healing is not a race by any means, but a very slow paced marathon and instead of an end or finish line, you have learned ways over time to cope with the loss of your loved one. I’m praying for peace for your hearts, minds and spirit. Remember that your loved one is always with you in your heart. May peace be with you.